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Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Today I had my German exam, listening and reading. Went well. Now I must revise for my pre-released media paper. And memorise 1 and a half hours worth of writing. Should be fun!

I looked into your perfect eyes, flecked with comprehension. I moved you by virtue of my brazen stare. You and I had a connection forged somewhere in the bowels of heaven.
You and I walked side by side from then on. It was hard, sometimes. They didn't understand. We could never exist.
And then you died. I scattered your ashes in the park, where we had frolicked.
And above them wrote your name in felt-tip pen on the air. On a plaque I had put on a bench.
You were the best dog. Ever. :(

This picture is found by googling 'schism'. It is a beautiful and intriguing shot.

Monday, May 24, 2004

This is another picture I love. I wish I could find whose it was too. It's beautiful, intriguing and eery. If I could create like that, I would be pleased. But I can't so I'll just post it on the internet and hope someone likes it.
She stepped through the eddy blocking her way with utmost ease and giggled. Suddenly everything was so easy! She had completely forgotten to tease her brother about her new powers! Oh well...

She raised herself a few more yards to get a good look at the castle. It was cast of solid lead, with an ornate bone drawbridge.

She snuck through a crack in the wall. There was a table in the room, with a smiling candlestick on it. It glistened as she held her breath. She wanted it so much! She decided to take it home as a present from her mother.

As she reached out she was suddenly aware of a chill blast and she fell back into gravity. She was so disappointed! She hid the ornament in her pocket, and sat down and waited for someone to take her home.

She waited a long time.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

She stepped out onto the air. She looked down at the rivulets of flowing water thousands of yards beneath her size 4 feet. She giggled, and stepped out again. Wasn't it marvellous to be able to walk in this manner?!

She decided to go tell her brother about this extraordinary occurence, and set off on a gust of passing wind. She smirked, enjoying his jealousy being brought to her on an emotional current.

She floated outside the window and looked in as he played his games. She could see his mind fitting in any one of the seven blocks into the ideal space before they even came! She loved how his mind was so orderly... Every block had a place. There was simply nothing else in his brain!

Her brain was always buzzing with whimsy. What if she could fly? Well, at least she didn't have to worry about that one now! She floated up closer to the clouds; she was thirsty. She adored their cool lick and basked in the hazy neo-gaea she had discovered.

After dozing a while in the beatiful whisps, she gathered her wits and set off for the castle.

Oh the feverish possibilities. I think I shall begin shortly in earnest... Pictures are all about life and I feel filled with such vitality now! I feel like I could sprint a marathon.
The sun keeps reminding me that hours are slipping away and that media won't do itself, but... Somehow I can't bear it.
I'm in love again, with life.

Last night I dreamt I was in hell. Someone had drowned me. And my brother.
I complained that it was unfair: lots of other people got second turns! My brother kept watching the live feed.
Not too bad, he said. It doesn't matter.
he kept watching.

This is a photo I adore. I wish I knew whose it was. Sorry...

Thursday, May 20, 2004

As I confuse yet another person by rambling in semi-lyrical style, I think how much better it would be to transfer some of it to here.
I'm thinking of becoming vegetarian. In short, just because I don't care about having animals slaughtered in their prime of life doesn't mean it's ok. Eating meat seems more and more to be the domain of people who put animals and humans in separate boxes: I don't know if that's good for me anymore.

And I also thought and dreamt, as one can do when it's study leave and great mocks have caused complacency. I think about... Spraying my school'mates' with shrapnel, about separating masses of bodies with caustic intent. NERD? maybe NIERD. Noone innocent ever really dies. At least not in my world.

I'm scared that i'm entering a plane where I can only feel for myself. Half tempted to search out that execution on the web, half explosively political. The Americans' torture was worse than the decapitation. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's more shocking? No. Because it didn't shock me. Is it more predictable? Perhaps, but that is not a problem.

The problem I have is that the Americans tortured gleefully. The American was killed with great weight: his death mattered. The detainees at the jail were just idle playthings. At least the American was considered a tool, a means.
The prisoners didn't have that. They'll have a past to look back on that has ruined their lives.

So I'll guide myself through life eyeing pitfalls without emotion.

I can feel love though I believe. That most blissfully selfish of emotions. Next time: decadent guilts.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

As I sit and watch the links go stale doing my media I think.
I think of all the fabulous nonsense I could write here to amuse myself. And I cringe when I think about how self-indulgent it would be to write about my life. Because I don't write that great and also 'cos nothing happens to me.
Sorry, that's a shitty sentiment and I'm not defeatist like that. Things do happen to me; I just can't relate them with enough skill. So I'll try to learn.
Today Miss told me my prose was purple. And that if I wanted a Nobel prize for literature I would need to rectify it. At which I huhhed.
I mean for one, I know for a fact I don't have more skill than many in my school. True, that I do attend a selective school, but still. And secondly it follows such a wave of presumptions. I mean for one, I hate it when people say stuff like: 'but you'll definitely get blah or blah'.
And for two? I feel funnelled into her dumb world of expectation and her paralysis of being a faliure.

But I'm just trying to write in a decidedly less purple way.
So Au Revoir for now, I hope to get more time soon.

Saturday, May 08, 2004

The movies

On the way home I pull up next to her, with her beautiful red hair guiding me.
'I didn't know you walked this way'
*awkward silence*
'why aren't you looking at me?' she asks
'because if I did, I'm afraid I would kiss you'

She grabs my face and we kiss, while my bike clatters to the floor. And every bird flies from a tree, and the sun sets, and we walk home hand in hand.

OR I pull up next to her, with her beautiful red hair guiding me.
'I didn't know you walked this way'
*awkward silence*
'so...' she says. 'Alright?'
'Haha, if this was a corny movie I'd tell you that you were so beautiful I couldn't help but kiss you; if I looked at you'
'Well why don't you?'

And then we kiss, while my bike clatters to the floor. And every bird flies from a tree, and the sun sets, and we walk home hand in hand. Ironically.

OR I pull up next to her, with her beautiful red hair guiding me.
'Hey. I didn't know you came this way'
'Anyway I had better get going... Nice talking to you'
'Oh yeah...'
'You know if this was an old movie I'd say "if I looked at you I'd be compelled to kiss you".'
'And if this was a sort of newish self-conscious movie I'd say that "in an old movie I'd say that "if I looked at you I'd be compelled to kiss you", and then you'd kiss me anyway". But this is real life, and I get confused because I don't know how much art imitates life, and I can't contemplate being so clicheed because if you're who I want you to be you'd shoot me a glare and continue walking.'
And then I don't know what would happen, because I've never read a book or seen a film that has its character say that, and if there were one I'd have to avoid saying it, because the real life outcome would be pre-scripted and boring and I would feel cheap for saying it.

But I still like to think that I'll catch you one day, and that you'll kiss me and that we can run away together forever...

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

The Lunar Eclipse

As I walked down that road I could feel the chill that is so homely to me. The air was sparkling with moody potential. It was the kind of night where I would hold their personal alarm especially close, if I had one.

And then I looked up at the sky, the brooding bleeding clouds lying on the horizon.

My vanity says they're coming for me, but I stand there as the dog pulls at the lead, and admire how it would look if I took a picture... If I took it. The Moon would resent it's soul being taken at such a transient time, just as it finally got a break of looking at the Earth.

The moon glares at me from it's red veil, like an enigmatic bride-to-be. If only it didn't look at me so alluringly...

The telephone lines and the houses frame the moon eternally. It's like Shenmue in it's pathetically endearing and beautiful allure. It's like any film moment of sympathetically-portrayed beauty that makes you retch with cliche.

It's full of beauty I miss because I'm afraid to see the world like other people see it. Because I want to be original and because I can't, just CAN'T, bear the thought that perhaps, someone else can appreciate it too. And that I'm not with them as the dog pulls me home.

Monday, May 03, 2004


So yeah, they're happening very soon. And am I nervous? The knot that rapidly attempts to asphyxiate me says so.
I stare at this screen with my head dozily angled, wondering if I should go do some work. My brain says yes but my everything else says no.

What a shame we live in England, the land of no-hope rigorous-testing casual chauvinism.
Sometimes all of this blatant double-standardised bullshit gets me down. I can't even think for one minute more about some of these issues. Women can't play football with men? Why?
I know physiologically, but pah. Someone out there somewhere is better than a great number of men at the sport, and should be playing in the same leagues.
I can see the need for a separate woman's league, sort of. But I think that maybe something cleverer would be to sort that one on weight, no? I mean if you want a league for 'weaker' players, do it for real. Making it woman only just hands the advantage to women more adjusted for the robust, physical game. For a league with more technique/less violence pick lighter players and have stricter refereeing.
For a real league leave it open to everyone, so the best prosper under whatever the rules of the sport are.
For those who want to keep women SOLELY as objects/housewives/doormats/sex dolls, I suggest you should Fuck Off, and stop imposing your shit on those who have some respect for humanity.

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