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Thursday, July 21, 2005

Abandoned at the end of school, all my real friends gone away with no glances up as I walked away yesterday. All in this case means two, but I love them and they mean enormous things to me. Another friend I had plans to do nothing with, to absorb the odd, swirling calm at the end of things. She cancelled.

Today was the real last day, and I played football in the complete vacuum of activity. Yesterday I meditated on the field, seeing a boat that was too small for me and a guide who had nothing to say.

End of school is nothing in some ways. No parties, or none that I want to find out about. No goodbyes. Just a jumbled fade to nothing. Next year there's a new staff.

I feel funny. My life is vested in Daphney, all of it supported on her back. When she's not here, there's people to ring up who turn down my invitations, and never offer any back. It's probably better to only have a few close friends, but when they're not around, I go back to old things.

Playing football on the field, spending empty minutes on an empty day, making empty jokes.

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