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Sunday, October 02, 2005

Daphney I'm still with, but I know I won't be forever. She's taking more from me than I can take from her. Her friends are out of bounds, when she knows all of mine and spends time around us. When she's closer to half of them than I am, and I have to watch as she sits on the couch with them, showing me unwittingly what things I'm missing. Then she tells me she has no friends, and my heart hits my ribs as I try and rationalise why it bugs me so much. I think... Those feelings should be mine: I lived for so long with no one beside me, with meaningful relationships reduced to constituent feelings. Each person a compartment for some aspect of me. She unified all that, and I poured myself into us. Maybe I should've held more back: she's exhausted me. There's nothing for me to show her or tell her. And she's still locked up, closed to me.

I don't know. I haven't been stunningly happy in a while. Everything I build with her seems to fade now. What do I have new to give her?

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