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Saturday, February 28, 2004

I was thinking walking my dog around the suburban streets. I thought about my girl, E.
I had spoken with my mother, about her earlier. Thinking that spending weeks in a summer school/camp with her would be undesirable, as she makes stupid comments. Does that bother me? Do I want a more intelligent girl? I know I would like an intelligent boy, to see the arthouse films with and jerk off in the toilets afterwards.

But really, I was thinking about what I really felt about her. I love her? Well I said I did, but maybe it was to reassure her. She doesn't believe in it anyway.

On our valentine's eve, weeks after the actual fact (she was busy), I phoned her to make plans. I told her it was our valentine's day, alright? She said: 'you didn't want anything did you?'
What the FUCK kinda question is that?
'No, I sorta had a hilarious prank lined up on the basis that you didn't get me anything. Besides, my present isn't that great anyway'

She liked my present, she left my card behind. I mean, has she got no romance?

See one day we had a chat, about, sex. She was naked, we were under a blanket. I told her it was alright to wait, it was alright for her to feel comfortable first. I want her to enjoy it, I want it to be... mutual and romantic and warm and sweet.
She said I sounded like a girly magazine.

Yeah well so what if I do? Every time I see her it becomes clearer to me that I want her to 'start my account'. I wanna FUCK her. I want it to be like I said: then I can leave her. We've been going out nigh on 6 months. What a waste it'll be if we don't, I think.

I think she must feel that in some way too.

We keep putting artificial preservatives on our relationship. We'll make a date for the future: how about we stay round Cs? Yeah I think, 'twill be cool. And it will be.

But I like her because she's sweet, and she's scared, and I don't wanna take that from her. Of course she's nervous about sex: she's a pretty girl. I would be her first, she says. But she's had others wanting it. I don't think she realises I'm one of them 'perverts'.

I want a girl to grab me by the hair and abuse me. I want a girl to bring a whip. I want a girl to fuck ME, up the arse, with a snarl. I want a girl to introduce me to debauchery in a way I never know. I want her to tease me, beat me, be beaten.

And I want that girl to love me as well...

And E can't do either, can she?

I know the description has masculine traits: after all I like men as well... But do I want a man forever? Well, if he was well dressed...

But no, I want children. I want a real life. I wanna go and get blatted.


Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Some times I want to go out of the window. I'd fall balletically to the ground.

And guess what?

More Thierry Henry.
I see him for real in my dreams now. He was standing there, with a sort of dick-holder thing. He possessed a trunk of elephantine proportions. It was disgusting. At least a cubit in length.

It was held in by some sort of underwear, but like a holster? it was held by a circle of ribbon by the head, just a ring of cloth supporting it perpendicular to his body.

He wasn't beautiful at all though. He was mean and thin and scrawny. I couldn't love this man.

Hey y'all.

I know I haven't used this portal in a while, which is a shame. I know no one reads it either.

I really enjoyed my time with it. I feel as if I'm removed enough from it to enjoy it. Like a bowl where I can try and place my thoughts and no one will know or care. Except those I want to.

Things have been good.

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