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Saturday, April 23, 2005

I've been online way too long, and I'm going to write.

The world still makes no sense at this time of night, which is reassuring. Continuity is important, right? Yesterday a cokehead threatened to smash my head in, for looking at his imaginary girlfriend.

I've changed... I can't revel in being the best at anything, because I've worked for it, same as everyone else. It used to be constant triumph, and it felt great. But graft has taken the shine right off of it.
I don't know. I like achieving still, and winning. But I know it's not a fair playing field. Competing with me for some people is like racing a horse. I'm not that amazing, but it comes easy to me sometimes.

I don't like the feeling any more though. I push myself now. My limits aren't 'one more than he got', but something fun. I want to fight my way into a position where exams flee my knowledge and I know I've got 96+% the moment I walk out.

The most satisfying taskmaster is myself. (not making sense, so bye!!!)

p.s. hugs and kisses for everybody.
I think it's good that you feel that way now, when I left high school I had no concept of work ethic, it didn't serve me well in the end.
I think we all like to think we're the best at something. The best in the class, the best in the play, the biggest druggie, the one whose had the most sex, the best with computers... you get the picture. It's a real shock and disappointment when you realise someone has beaten you. I also think that having your limits as "something fun" is good - it's pushing you further.

Sigh. I am also too tired to make sense. I guess what I'm saying is... I identify with how you feel, and I think a lot of people do.

Big hugs to you.
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