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Saturday, November 20, 2004

My eyes don't want to be open, and neither does my heart now.

Daphney came round and it was superficially great. But as our sex gets better she's further away from me. I'm having fun when she's around, and when she's not I miss her. And she's away most of the time. Her parents want her not to see me weekdays, and she's busy and I'm busy. When she first told me (about draconian laws), she was like 'oh well, I'll have to see you Friday to Sunday' and she meant it.

But she's stubborn in silly ways, and now the only time she opens up is when she's too tired to sense. She's not happy with friends or family but I can't be her retreat if she doesn't let me know what's going on.

I don't feel that she loves me now. I feel like empty (because I didn't really sleep last night...) I'm not a low-maintenance kinda guy. I think she does, or that she'd say so. But why is it so important anyway? I'm angry at myself for needing this constant reassurance, and angry for feeling for her when it just breeds dependence. But I'm also angry at the culture that tells me that relationships should be about the thrill of snatched sexual encounters, not about trust or opening up. It's not wrong to me to want to be with someone a lot.

She jibes at me too, adding to my insecurity, trying to keep up a jokey parlance which I particularly affect. Except when I do it to her, she knows it's not real (and I tell her). And when she says the stuff to me it just hurts. There's always an edge that she doesn't realise. She thinks I know how she feels (oh Fran, but you don't know a thing I think for sure), but...

She has to let me know her radiance, and hug me and whisper to me. She has to let me into something other that her pants...

(P.S. It's probably the house I hate and the mood I hate and being tired, because in my mind now she's a leech or a wraith and ethereal. And she's not. She's lovely.)

Comments:
Perhaps she's not as ready emotionally to let you into anything other than her pants as you are. Perhaps she has a totally polarised view of love and sex, and is happy to give away the latter whilst guarding and protecting the former.

You're not sure if she loves you? Does she know what love is? Has she been clamped in its jaws before, and are the teethmarks still there, or is it that she's never felt the sweet bite...

Hell, perhaps the bottom line is that she's too young to want an involved relationship right now, and you're too young to realise.

Dunno, but good luck.
 
I think.. I'll come back to it. At the moment, I'm happy again.

I'll definitely think about it though.
 
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