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Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Well, Etoile asked me about my last post, so I'll try and write an answer. (Oh, her blog's accessible right on the sidebar, so check it out. It's brilliant.)

But yeah. She asked whether I'm happier after feeling that I've changed.
And?

I don't know. I'm not as sweet. Nowhere near. I'm not as idealistic. I mean... I guess I was really naive. Not that I've changed that much. But it's definitely compromised.

Her behaviour is so... 21st century? It's so hard to see inside her, and when I do... It's delicious. She's been through a lot, and yet...

I like who I am now, better than I liked who I was. Being a loser in terms of dating sucked. And I guess I was wrong about a lot: how to act, how to think.

But I miss it. I miss thinking she was such a sweet girl, and moving into my unknown with her. I don't want everything back, but... I believed in love, and now I'm scared of it. I thought that if I loved her, and when she acted like she did, it meant she loved me too. And she didn't.

I didn't know too much about men before going out with her. She's taught me far more anout my own sex than hers. Her reactions tell me what others have done, how little they meant their words. I'm sick of men, sick of abuse of women. Sickened because it's expected.

I feel more experienced. I'm happy where I am, and when I'm with her, so yeah. I must be happy that I've changed. I'm more aware, more conscious.

Joy governs my life more than pain now. And that has to be worth something.
Comments:
Honesty is so beautiful. That's the sweetest facet of your writing.
 
HI IM MENTAL LAUNDRY AND IM AN ALCOHOLIC... bugger.. NO, hang on.. thats my other opening line.
IM MENTAL LAUNDRY AND IM AN ETOILE FOLLOWER AND SHES SPOT ON.. YOU ARE ACE. AND I'LL BE BACK TO READ MORE WHEN IVE HAD A POO. Jes kidding....but I will be back. Great blog Fran.
 
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