Click Here
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Today was depressing... E again.
I figured out what's bothered me. I mean, yeah, I'll go and I'll apologise for being so nihilistic in our relationship. She won't recognise that that was the problem, but it was. I mean, I couldn't have imagined how hard it was to throw another chance at her away... When she saw me so seldom.
And then... S. The guy she loved, (thought she loved, whatever). I don't know any of her friends, he sleeps with them in her bedroom. He has an eight-inch cock.
I don't know why that should bother me so much. Should it? Of course not. It's just the jealousy I get from the thought that he has no insecurities about his dick (or so E says). I mean... How childish is that? How lame that I can't reconcile myself with my body.
And like, she tells me stories: 'oh yeah that used to happen... I don't think he KNEW he made me throw up though...' Shit man. Half of me hates myself for being with her.
Why does she still make me feel so shit so often? Because... Because we were so long together and yet she never let me into her life at all. Because she rebounded bad off of S, and I was the first guy to care about her after?
No, it's 'cos she doesn't believe me. She's spent how long with me, with absolutely no feeling? Or maybe what she feels she supresses.
I think she just thinks I'm omni-guy. Which I don't get. Can someone have that little faith in men?
I try so hard to be sweet and considerate and it's like she expects the opposite.
Or I did try so hard... Maybe I lapsed. Actually I know I did.
Because it felt like she was teasing me. I know she wasn't, but... Just ELEMENTARY PSYCH MAN. Don't DO that SHIT. I really would rather NOT feel like a fucking molester when I see you.
And now we're apart, and nothing's changed. And that's even worse. I still get that sick feeling when she doesn't call. I feel sick when she drops it into the conversation semi-guiltily that she's busy. And she knows.... She must... How much that date meant to me...
I know I'm spoilt. But this is almost the first time I'm almost not blaming it on me.
So. I don't know what to do. Can I see her? I wish she'd tell me to just... I dunno... Whatever...
I know she feels some stuff... So she should tell me.
Or else I can't see her/talk to her/believe her/love her.
Emotionally yours. So take it or leave it.
I figured out what's bothered me. I mean, yeah, I'll go and I'll apologise for being so nihilistic in our relationship. She won't recognise that that was the problem, but it was. I mean, I couldn't have imagined how hard it was to throw another chance at her away... When she saw me so seldom.
And then... S. The guy she loved, (thought she loved, whatever). I don't know any of her friends, he sleeps with them in her bedroom. He has an eight-inch cock.
I don't know why that should bother me so much. Should it? Of course not. It's just the jealousy I get from the thought that he has no insecurities about his dick (or so E says). I mean... How childish is that? How lame that I can't reconcile myself with my body.
And like, she tells me stories: 'oh yeah that used to happen... I don't think he KNEW he made me throw up though...' Shit man. Half of me hates myself for being with her.
Why does she still make me feel so shit so often? Because... Because we were so long together and yet she never let me into her life at all. Because she rebounded bad off of S, and I was the first guy to care about her after?
No, it's 'cos she doesn't believe me. She's spent how long with me, with absolutely no feeling? Or maybe what she feels she supresses.
I think she just thinks I'm omni-guy. Which I don't get. Can someone have that little faith in men?
I try so hard to be sweet and considerate and it's like she expects the opposite.
Or I did try so hard... Maybe I lapsed. Actually I know I did.
Because it felt like she was teasing me. I know she wasn't, but... Just ELEMENTARY PSYCH MAN. Don't DO that SHIT. I really would rather NOT feel like a fucking molester when I see you.
And now we're apart, and nothing's changed. And that's even worse. I still get that sick feeling when she doesn't call. I feel sick when she drops it into the conversation semi-guiltily that she's busy. And she knows.... She must... How much that date meant to me...
I know I'm spoilt. But this is almost the first time I'm almost not blaming it on me.
So. I don't know what to do. Can I see her? I wish she'd tell me to just... I dunno... Whatever...
I know she feels some stuff... So she should tell me.
Or else I can't see her/talk to her/believe her/love her.
Emotionally yours. So take it or leave it.
