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Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Today started so well... I woke up, went to school as per usual. Was muchly happy throughout; as should I be after 12 hours of sleep.
And then... And then at school all was going ok as well... Arrived early, put the books in my locker. Walked around, talked to Miss in the information room. And then she walked in... An absolute vision of wanting... Her copper-angry hair and her faded jeans. I knew I had to... to... to talk to her.
And I thought I had some of the courage too.

I left, talked to her as she left the room. Does she know my name? Probably not... But hey. And then that boy walks along, joins in my wooing conversation. I can deal.

I follow her into the library, pick out the complete works of Emily Dickinson. Sit at the table. She looks genuinely happy to see me, as I fluster through my lines.

*whisper*'Uh, do you wanna like, get some coffee some time?'*whisper*

'What?'

'(repeats)'

*smile*

So I waited for about seven minutes, before walking out with a huge, crescent grin. Mission achieved.


...

And tonight... Saw E again. I can't... talk so well about it right now.

She blew someone when she was ten years old. Ten years old. Ten. I can't explain how sick this makes me feel. She sent a chain email describing herself as single and looking; she said that 'of course' she had a crush, she told me about the latest boy she blew... Just... I can't feel like I own her anymore.

And in the car I revelatiised. I don't need sex... I can be a 17 year-old virgin. It's cool to do it in love and not out of a sense of need/want. I really felt that, for a minute. But am I strong enough? *eyes narrow* I just can't tell.

Because E, she scares me. I'm scared that, y'know, she'll go and fuck someone just because. Like she blew that guy,for no rason.

I think I'm over it from my own point of view. But I really, really do love her and want her to have someone who deserves her. And of course I deserve her...

But I deserve to have my own space and I can't really take how I feel about her at the moment. I can't care this much when she's not mine.

Because I do really, really care, as I said (sorry, it's late. Tired writing). I want her to be loved and I want... I want not to feel like this about her. I want to feel detached, able to make her feel better. I want to feel like she's a friend, not someone who is mine.

Shit I think I have some attachment disorder/jealous rage problem.

I need to stop acting so madly spolt. She isn't mine. And won't be...

Must be off, emotional still...
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