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Saturday, January 24, 2004
Right.
I have many, many thoughts. I cannot transfer them properly to blog, but I may try.
Well, as I left the house with a spring in my step and a knife in my pocket, I thought. I thought about the possible reasons for me self-harming. I thought about possible scenarios.
I also thought grimly of my girlfriend deciding to visit the most handsome male friend I have to stay over on the eve of valentine's day.
It doesn't surprise me, and nothing will happen. i still would like to submit her to physical punishment though.
No not because she's not allowed to have a life. Because she patently ignores me and treats me like shit.
She teases me with tales of her sexuality: playing kissing games or inventing double-intruding toothbrushes with friends. She mentions details of her sexuality and her frank embracement of it in other circumstances in what appears to be just a way to make me feel shit about my own power. She has everything over me, because I let her. I let her completely run things for me, and now I'm paying.
Of course she doesn't think like this: she's not a sadist or clever enough.
I want her to find me in a hospital bed, as I sit up with a lacerated arm. I want her to cry, and to wonder why 'her darling boyfriend' would do such a thing. I want her to know that she can't treat me like she does, and I want to blame her completely. I realise my attention-seeking needs, I just can't fulfill them by myself.
I want her to find the cuts on my arm, and for me to name each one as an injustice she has done to me. THIS ONE IS FOR THIS, BITCH. I want her to see the effect of herself.
I want her to know who I truly am, who I truly try to be, and what I truly feel.
i want her to truly love me, but she won't. She 'doesn't believe in it'
I'd rather one of us died.
I have many, many thoughts. I cannot transfer them properly to blog, but I may try.
Well, as I left the house with a spring in my step and a knife in my pocket, I thought. I thought about the possible reasons for me self-harming. I thought about possible scenarios.
I also thought grimly of my girlfriend deciding to visit the most handsome male friend I have to stay over on the eve of valentine's day.
It doesn't surprise me, and nothing will happen. i still would like to submit her to physical punishment though.
No not because she's not allowed to have a life. Because she patently ignores me and treats me like shit.
She teases me with tales of her sexuality: playing kissing games or inventing double-intruding toothbrushes with friends. She mentions details of her sexuality and her frank embracement of it in other circumstances in what appears to be just a way to make me feel shit about my own power. She has everything over me, because I let her. I let her completely run things for me, and now I'm paying.
Of course she doesn't think like this: she's not a sadist or clever enough.
I want her to find me in a hospital bed, as I sit up with a lacerated arm. I want her to cry, and to wonder why 'her darling boyfriend' would do such a thing. I want her to know that she can't treat me like she does, and I want to blame her completely. I realise my attention-seeking needs, I just can't fulfill them by myself.
I want her to find the cuts on my arm, and for me to name each one as an injustice she has done to me. THIS ONE IS FOR THIS, BITCH. I want her to see the effect of herself.
I want her to know who I truly am, who I truly try to be, and what I truly feel.
i want her to truly love me, but she won't. She 'doesn't believe in it'
I'd rather one of us died.
