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Thursday, January 22, 2004

IQ and SES (socio-economic status) broadly predict how happy you will be in life, or how good your life will be (as i undertsand it).

My IQ is sufficient to be considered... very good. Although the various aspects of it, for me, are very varied, my overall IQ is ok.

My SES is almost ridiculous: basically, your father's and mother's education as well as their jobs combine. They were both educated at the highest level.

So, as an average member of this group, I would be happy. Or at least moreso than other people not so fortunate.

I however wonder, purely from a anecdotal point of view, that this may not be true. I do not know many people who are happy in my circumstances.

I'm not: I wouldn't sacrifice what I have, but... Somehow. My social life is completely inadequate, and I don't make the grade on so many accounts of fitting in.

I know it's more fashionable not to: but I also know that it is much, much harder. I've been moved around a LOT in my life, or at least the early part. It gets lonesome to wait for someone like me, to like me.

So I don't. I don't know anyone, really, who is like me. Well, I know a couple like me in attitude or in intelligence. Just no one so broadly... similar... to me.

I always felt that there had to be someone like me, to share my life with. But I realise that there isn't, and the best I can hope for is what I come across.

Sometimes I fell so inferior: I feel it is almost preordained for me to succeed in whatever I try. It is possible for me to do anything requiring mental application. In theory I KNOW, that I'm not the cleverest man to set foot on this planet. I can admit that to myself. I can put those people in another box, one labelled: no competition. Franco is best in his group.

People around me don't help either. they put ME in a separate box, labelled no competition. They don't know who I am.

I sometimes wonder whether my parents know me. I should imagine, that I am broadly similar to each of them, and that they can imagine what I'm like. And they know from discussions, etc..
But do they know what I think about, could I share that with them? The answer, is no.

That is what my whole life has been spent looking for: that's why I come in the room, and ask sincerely of my girl: 'you know, when you look in a mirror and there is NOTHING that makes that face you, that reflects how you see the world, that relates to your persona?'

She looks blankly, and hides under the duvet that's spread across the floor. Smiles childishly and tries to initiate play.

But I don't want to. I want her to come to me and throw me to the floor.
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